Sadness and thankfulness, hand in hand

A friend of mine died last month. He lived to be almost 30, which is considered lucky when you have cystic fybrosis.

I can remember babysitting him when he was just 2, and his mom had to walk me through all of the medications he needed.

I can remember all the times he was in the hospital for too much mucus in his lungs. Mom drove them to doctor appointments in Burlington,  which was a 2 hour drive.

What breaks my heart the most is his last Facebook post, where he asked why it was so hard to breathe.

Josh grew up to be a funny young man with a lot of the same interests as I have. Yet, I’ll always remember him as the adorable toddler who would only take his medicine once it had been hidden in applesauce. 

I’ll miss you, Josh.  I’m thankful for the years we knew each other.

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With a racing heart

LOL not for any real reason.  Just as I read a message on Facebook about a severe thunderstorm warning, the storm was right overhead.  The thunder made me jump and my heart race.  Which makes me think… if the lightning is the dangerous part, why do we call it a thunderstorm instead of a lightning storm?

My mind is wandering all over right now.  I’ve seen some bad news on Facebook, and my mind keeps worrying at it.  Two friends of mine were diagnosed with cancer.

One was the pastor of the church where I grew up.  He was the pastor when our trailer burned when I was 16.  If I remember right, he had a scanner, so heard the call for the fire department to go to the trailer.  He made it out there and picked up my sister and I, which was a good thing since we both had to leave the house in our pajamas in the middle of November with about 1′ of snow on the ground.  It doesn’t sound so bad, except my sister only had slippers and I was barefoot.  Snow is very cold when you’re barefoot 😉  We stayed at the parsonage for a couple of weeks until a big enough apartment came open at one of my parents apartment houses.  I still love Janice and Roger dearly, as well as their younger 3 – I don’t know their oldest as well.  They were like a second set of parents to me until they moved away about a year later.

The other one recently diagnosed was a friend from when I was working as a SysAdmin in North Carolina.  Paul and his wife Nancy were very good friends to me while I was there.  They owned a gaming store that Nancy ran, and they got me involved in gaming again.  Real gaming, not just online gaming like I had been doing.

All these thoughts are going through my mind with Paul’s and Roger’s health.  My prayers are with them and their families as they go through this.

Laterness and g’night.  I’ll try to post again tomorrow, since I do have more to say.  But I’m working 12 hour shifts until Sunday, so it may not happen until then.

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Like arguing with a brick wall

I started writing this April 30th and got sidetracked and discouraged.

It’s frustrating sometimes reading the press releases from big companies.  The company I work for had a big article in the paper talking about how they’re moving a bunch of jobs from Oklahoma to the corporate office.  The press release said flat out that it wasn’t affecting jobs here.  Nevermind the 10+ people who have lost their job, and at least another 10 who have had to move or lose theirs.

Instead, they were saying the moves only affect people in Edmond, OK.


I started reading the paper while I was out in public – at the local coffee shop where I sometimes stop.  I started yelling, then took a deep breath and put the paper back on the counter.  The barista said something about arguing with the paper, and I said I was arguing with the people who wrote the press release instead.

One of the things the article said was that our town wasn’t going to be affected financially.  Except when asked, it suddenly changed to the company wasn’t going to be affected financially.

It’s like talking to a brick wall.  I understand that the number of jobs lost here in town is small in the grand scheme of things, but it’s just so frustrating to have the whole situation downplayed like we don’t matter at all.

Of course, I’ve been offered another job within the company, so I”m no longer affected, but still.  I feel ignored.

That’s why I wrote an anonymous question for the town hall meeting this week.  I asked why they were willing to get rid of that much regulatory knowledge.  Let’s see what they say, if I even hear it since I’ll be out of town training my replacement this week.

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Gotta love the irony

I got a job search email from LinkedIn today.  In it, it says that my company is looking for people like me…

Yea, they are.  They were trying to convince me to move to Cincinnati, OH.  I don’t feel right moving so far away with a step-son who needs his father living here.  He graduates in 5 years, maybe then I’ll change my mind.

In the meantime, I need to figure out what I want to do.  They keep talking about wanting to extend my time there again, but I haven’t heard anything definite.  It’s now down to about 4 weeks to go.  This could get interesting.

Someone at one of the plants wants to offer me a job.  My only issue is that I have 2 kids under 10 and can’t work weekends if my husband is working.  So what do I do?  So far, I haven’t heard anything official from him either.

I hate being in limbo.  Yet, the company I work for is looking for employees.

And the stress had me falling asleep at 7 last night.

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Life is Good

I saw this from one of the blogs I follow and started thinking.

It’s so easy to focus on the negative, whether it’s stepping on something, or having your car stop working correctly.

What happens when we focus on the positive? does our attitude change?

Life is good, life can be good.  All we need to do is remember to take it one day at a time.

and focus on the positive.

Life is good, even though I’m not sure when my job ends any more.

Life is good, even though we’re not in our own house yet.

Life is good…

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Ugh – I’m getting old

If there’s anything that gives me a perfect example of how old I’m getting, it’s working 50 hours in a week.  And I still have to go in tomorrow.  I am tired.

You’d think that sitting at a desk job, I wouldn’t be tired, but I was falling asleep on the couch at 8 tonight.  I think part of it is the stress getting to me.  Part is probably because I didn’t get to sleep until late last night, and the kids were crawling into my bed at 6:30 this morning.

For my funny of the week:

Hubby was looking for bike shops in town on Google.  The first two links he got were for a bike shop about a mile from here, and one near the high school outside of town.  No mention was made of the 3rd bike shop in town, but Scooters, the local country western bar was on the list.

Gotta love Google.

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Sometimes I look at how my life is going and wonder how I can make it through. I know it’s a step by step kind of thing, but everything is so overwhelming when I just step back and look.

Sometimes I look at the choices I’ve made over the years and wish I could call for a redo.

Sometimes I feel like I should be doing something different but I get so overwhelmed by the choices out there. I feel like I’ve settled on one choice only to waffle a few days later.

Sometimes I remember being young and going for what I wanted with a focus I haven’t seen in 20 years. When did I lose that drive?

Maybe its time to set pen to paper and figure out what I need to do and where to aim my life.

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Hello, darkness, my old friend

I try not to say a whole lot, but I sometimes battle depression.  Like being shy in real life, it’s just part of who I am sometimes.

Needless to say, the whole situation with work has hit me pretty hard.  Living with family for 2 years doesn’t help.  I think the constant stress is wearing on me.  I do know that I have regained the 50 pounds I fought so hard to lose 3 years ago.  Tonight, I’m fighting back tears as I sit here typing.

I know part of how to deal with it, it’s been an off and on battle for years.  The first thing I need to do is cut out sugar.  I don’t mean just a little, I mean I have to cut it all out.

Then I need to start walking on the treadmill again, 20 – 30 minutes a day, pushing myself to do intervals.

The food part is going to be hard over the next week.  The exercise, not so hard, just I’m going to end up having a case of the ‘I don’t wannas’ for quite awhile at first.

Right now it looks bleak.  I’m trying to hard to remember that depression lies.  We will eventually get into our house.  The work situation will eventually work itself out.  All is not hopeless.  All is not lost.

It just feels that way tonight.

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How do you know?

I’ve been trying to figure out, when you lose your job like I am, how do you know the best place to look for another? Do I look internally? Do I look externally?

Do I bite the bullet and take the time I have to try to build up my writing?

I have 10 weeks to figure it out.

In the meantime, I’m applying for internal jobs — ones within the company.

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Oncoming train

A couple of years ago I wrote something to the effect of I hope for my former coworkers sake the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t an oncoming train or a hyper kid with glow sticks.

Yesterday I got hit by the train – figuratively at least. My job is moving to Cincinnati and I’m not being asked to move. My last day will be March 28.

I hated my job but really like my coworkers. I feel bad for the other 4 that got similar news, they rely on the job for their insurance. I don’t.

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